Another year has passed. Let us shove it off the cliff and watch its brains get bashed to paste on the rocks as it falls. Let seagulls peck at its flesh on the wet, cold sand until the year’s ravaged corpse rolls into the sea foam, only to be ripped beyond recognition by bloodthirsty marine predators.
The world is no better than it was this time last year. In fact, it seems far worse. The very ability to speak is being squashed at every turn, but rather than rebelling, most people are choosing to live in silence. We may have to go through a thousand-year Dark Age merely to get back to how bad things were a mere five years ago.
As always, I hope I’m wrong.
I’ve compiled these “Most Annoying” compendiums for 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2016, with the stark and inexplicable exception of 2015. For the first time since its inception, women outnumber men on the list, 11 to 7. Although women are never slackers when it comes to being annoying, they took it to the hoop this year by exploiting the idea that everyone was keen on raping them.
This is not meant to be definitive or scientific or comprehensive. These are nothing more and nothing less than the people who annoyed me the most while I covered the news this past year. I’m not gauging who annoyed everyone the most, who caused the most damage, who is more truly dangerous, or, most importantly, who annoyed you the most. Therefore, there is to be no carping from the peanut gallery. If you don’t like the cut of this list’s jib, write your own gosh-darned article.
18. DAVID BUCKEL
David Buckel was a tiny little gay lawyer from Brooklyn who polluted the air while committing suicide to protest air pollution. One bright April morning in a Brooklyn park, he doused himself in evil fossil fuels and set his self-righteous body ablaze to protest fossil fuels. He was polite enough to apologize for causing the mess, but not polite enough to refrain from causing the mess in the first place. His note read, in part:
I am David Buckel and I just killed myself by fire as a protest suicide. I apologize to you for the mess.
Pollution ravages our planet, oozing uninhabitability via air, soil, water and weather. Most humans on the planet now breathe air made unhealthy by fossil fuels, and many die early deaths as a result — my early death by fossil fuel reflects what we are doing to ourselves. A lifetime of service may best be preserved by giving a life….Honorable purpose in life invites honorable purchase in death…I hope it is an honorable death that might serve others.
The world is now less polluted to the tune of one David Buckel.
17. NIKKI YOVINO
If the world should ever decide to lurch toward sanity one day in the wee distant future, 2018 will be remembered as The Year That Women Never Shut Up About Rape. It didn’t matter whether or not they were being raped—it rarely does. At any given moment, a certain quotient of women seems to feel the need to imagine that they are so irresistible, many men can’t help themselves from whipping it out and taking a stab.
Nineteen-year-old Nikki Yovino’s innovation to the art of Rape Lying was to falsely accuse someone of raping her, then to lie and claim she’d never even lodged the accusation. The crafty Connecticut teen lied to police about a 2016 alleged incident where two college football players raped her. Then, two years later when officials asked her about it in court, she denied ever accusing them.
If she winds up denying the denial, we suggest she run for public office.
16. EVAN CURTIS HUDSON
Despite all the laugh tracks you hear whenever the subject is mentioned, it must be humiliating to be raped in jail. One’s manhood and dignity—and sphincter—are ripped straight from one’s body, leaving what once was a man a pathetic bloody heap and a sexually confused trauma case.
For some reason, 22-year-old Evan Curtis Hudson of Davidson, TN, felt that “male rape victim” was a life goal. He falsely accused his cellmate of raping him. But even more humiliating than being raped in jail is not being found attractive enough to be raped. I doubt Evan Curtis Hudson will ever emerge from the sad mental grave he dug for himself.
15. CLAAS RELOTIUS
Why, it seems as if I covered this story only last week—in fact, I did.
After being selected as CNN’s Journalist of the Year for 2014, Relotius proceeded to fabricate elements of at least 14 of his articles, most notably a profile of a rural Minnesota town that was almost entirely fraudulent. It depicted Trump supporters as the sort of blood-drinking, hate-chewing, Mexi-bashing Cro-Magnons that most coastal media luminaries wish beyond hoping that most Trump supporters were. I am glad that he has endured the journalistic equivalent of defrocking. He can now go serve Venti Americanos to Somalian immigrants at a Starbucks somewhere in Stuttgart.
14. DON LEMON
Don Lemon is gay and black, which in many circles would be two strikes already. But he is one of those gay black media puppets whose smugness is so thick, you couldn’t even begin to hack at it with a machete. Since he toils in major media, he has all the “right” opinions—meaning that whatever comes out of his mouth is wrong. He recently said that the “facts prove” that white men are the nation’s biggest terrorist threat.
But even the facts he cited proved that Muslims are a bigger terrorist threat. Don, we might be able to forgive you for being black and gay and dumb, but not for lying.
13. SUZANNA DANUTA WALTERS
In olden times, ugly women toiled as midwives and librarians and charwomen. They didn’t tell us about their sex lives, and we didn’t want to know. We understood in a deep instinctual way that if they hated men, it’s because men never loved them. But along comes Northwestern University professor Suzanna Danuta Walters, who in the name of “social justice” or some other such shapeshifting indefinable, said that women have a right to hate men.
We won’t dispute your “right” to hate men. We’ll just point out it’s because you are incurably ugly. Now fix us a sandwich, you mutt.
12. ASIA ARGENTO
Along with the Savagely Mental actress Rose McGowan, this slimy Italian snake was one of the loudest megaphone-mouths of the #MeToo movement, which validated the female lust to get men in trouble onto a global scale. Argento feigned grief when her ex-junkie douchebag chef boyfriend Anthony Bourdain killed himself over the summer, only for it to emerge that his suicide was likely spurred in part by her public infidelity. And then a longtime family friend accused her of sexually assaulting him when he was underage. At first she claimed it never happened, but then she blamed him and said “the horny kid jumped me.”
It may seem unkind to wish that her uterus…and then the rest of her body…would fall out of her vagina, but that’s how I’m feeling right now.
11. LILY ALLEN
Like Asia Argento, Allen is another insanely spoiled woman who spends her public life pretending she’s had it bad. Earlier this year when confronted about the undeniable specter of Muslim grooming gangs raping English children with near-impunity, she shrugged and said, “there’s a strong possibility they would have been raped or abused by somebody else at some point.” Then she tried pushing the counterfactual narrative that 100% of the “nasty” raping in England was being done by white males.
It would be a shame if she were to be raped by 20 Pakistanis. We wouldn’t wish that on anyone. And she might even enjoy it.
10. HANNAH GADSBY
If ugly women are going to become comedians, it should only be to make fun of their own looks. Phyllis Diller made a career of it. The LAST thing that ugly women should do is become comedians without telling a single joke and while bashing males nonstop.
Infected with irreversible late-stage feminism, Gadsby recently gave a speech at some ladies’ convocation stating that even the “good” men who claim to be feminist allies are bad, because no man is good and no man will ever be good until they bow to the will of some sour-pussed Aussie lesbo who won’t be happy until everyone is as unhappy as she is.
I really hope she isn’t pecked to death by a flock of lesbian seagulls. I mean that.
9. JUDY MUNRO-LEIGHTON
Amid the sick, estrus-fueled mania of the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearing, the newly minted Supreme Court Justice was called a rapist by one woman after the other. The only consistent thing about all their claims was a complete lack of evidence.
At the height of the hearings, Judy Munro-Leighton sent an email claiming to be the Jane Doe that Kavanaugh had raped. Later, after Kavanaugh’s confirmation, Leighton confirmed that she’d made up the entire story.
Believe women? Only when they’re telling the truth—which seems rarer and rarer these days.
8. MIRJAM HEINE
Gay-rights opponents have faced scorn for years by insisting that once homosexuality becomes normalized, pedophilia will be the next frontier.
The gay-rights folks was right.
At a TEDx Talk in Germany, Ms. Heine gave a speech titled “Pedophilia is a natural sexual orientation” that contained the following passages:
According to current research pedophilia is an unchangeable sexual orientation just like, for example, heterosexuality….We shouldn’t increase the sufferings of pedophiles by excluding them, by blaming and mocking them. By doing that, WE increase their isolation and WE increase the chance of child sexual abuse.
Please never let this woman have children.
7. BARACK OBAMA
In between being pegged by his alpha wife and attending gay bathhouses with Rahm Emanuel, Our First and Last Black President gave a speech where he sold out his entire gender:
Women in particular…I want you to get more involved. Because men have been getting on my nerves lately….I mean, every day I read the newspaper and I just think like, ‘Brothers, what’s wrong with you guys? What’s wrong with us?’ I mean, we’re violent, we’re bullying. You know, just not handling our business. So I think empowering more women on the continent — that right away is going to lead to some better policies.
Go away and stay away this time, half-breed. You’re getting on my nerves.
6. VEIT LINDNER
Can you believe that the nation that once produced Otto von Bismarck and Kaiser Wilhelm now produces scrawny male bloggers who pine for the day when there are no Germans left in Germany?
Say “Guten Tag” to pinch-faced zeta male Veit Lindner, who penned a blog entry that fairly begs for indigenous Germans to either exile him or make a screaming example of him:
If the stinking, bloated thoughts of the New Right should now be the ‘German people’ again, it would actually be best to simply exchange it…Blacks, browns, yellows, whites, Asians and Arabs, Africans, you people from America, from India, people of all faiths – come to our aid! Flock up and replace us…this would be….genocide from its most beautiful side.
Mr. Lindner, you are lucky that Hitler has waited so long to rise from the dead. Very, very lucky.
5. RANDA JARRAR
Randa Jarrar is an extremely fat “Arab American Muslim American Woman,” which makes her twice as American as everyone else simply because she used the word “American” twice. She seems to hate everything that’s American, though, as she’s always bashing “the white hetero patriarchy” and publicly wondered why no one has yet burned Richard Spencer’s house to the ground. When Barbara Bush died, she tweeted that she was “glad the witch is dead.”
In that spirit, I will be glad when Randa Jarrar dies of a heart attack over the next five years.
4. SARAH JEONG
The new lead technology writer at The New York Times is a thirty-year-old Korean woman who has a habit of saying that “white people are bullshit” and that she can’t wait until white people go extinct. When called on these comments, she scolds people for not being able to take a joke and then doubles down on unironically calling for the extinction of white people.
We never should have tried to save South Korea.
3. LANA HOCH
For all that women complain about being raped—which is often a covert way of complaining about not being raped enough—Lana Hoch takes home the Sickness Prize this year by penning an essay called “I Cheated on My Boyfriend with My Rapist.” She claimed that she was merely scratching an itch, but she did far more than that—she made the world smell her fingers.
2. ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ
What can be said about this horse-teethed economic retard that hasn’t been said beyond underlining the fact that she claims to have come from poverty but instead grew up in a plush ’hood that was 81% white and whose residents enjoyed a per-capita income twice the national average? Nothing, and I’m so sick of her already that I refuse to say anything else.
1. ROB TIBBETTS
Political beliefs are all well and good so long as you don’t smack others in the face with them. But there’s a special sewer tank in Haiti reserved for parents who use their child’s freshly murdered corpses to make a political point. Mollie Tibbetts was a white Iowa girl who once wrote “I hate white people” on Twitter. After her dead body was found in a cornfield this August, the life beaten out of her by an illegal immigration from Mexico, her father Bob penned a nauseating OpEd that placed Mexicans above white Iowans:
Today, we need to turn the page. We’re at the end of a long ordeal. But we need to turn toward life — Mollie’s life — because Mollie’s nobody’s victim. Mollie’s my hero….The Hispanic community are Iowans. They have the same values as Iowans….As far as I’m concerned, they’re Iowans with better food.
Mr. Tibbetts, I wouldn’t feel bad if one day those “Iowans with better food” were to feast on your carcass.